I started practicing yoga when I was 20 and at that time I absolutely hated Savasana. I liked everything but lying down and doing nothing. What is that good for ?
I couldn’t understand, but I wanted to!
This curiosity lead me to buy my first yoga book, thanks to which I learnt that yoga is much more than a bunch of poses with funny names. I was both intrigued and scared. A part of me was drawn to a spiritual practice, but another side of me was skeptical, and terrified at the thought that my life could change once I got to know more about it.
I convinced myself that I could learn about yoga, and not change who I was or how I lived.
Ah Ah little did I know…
It was in that time that I realised I had a huge need for feeling in control all the time. I was obsessed with my diet, I had a strict regime of going to the gym every day, I was studying diligently for hours, and limiting all the fun so that I could be as productive as I could. I was successful at uni, I had a boyfriend, I had lots of friends, I looked fit. Still, something was missing.
Once I graduated from university , I embarked on a Central America journey and I signed up for my first teacher training although I had no intention on becoming a yoga teacher. I just wanted to understand. Why was I crying at the end of almost every yoga session ? Why did Savasana feel like torture to me?
That training was an eye opener (and heart opener) . A bunch of strangers spending three weeks together and opening up about their traumas, fears, families. We shared a lot in such a short amount of time. I was amazed at what we had created.
Although I learnt a lot during the training, I was also still very confused. Savasana was still a mystery and I still didn’t like it.
There were more and more questions. But somehow I felt less and less the need for knowing all the answers right away.
I was drown to this mystery and I wasn’t as scared of change as I was before.
When I first learnt that Savasana means ´´corpse pose´´, I was a bit weirded out.
But in the last 2 years it all started to make sense.
Of course, in a society that preaches productivity and burnout as success, it feels overwhelming to surrender and be still like a dead person.
Of course, I am afraid of death when often it is still a taboo to talk about it. I never really spoke about death growing up.
Death is the ultimate loss of control. But can I lose control over something I do not have control of to begin with ?
We all die. And there is death in everything.Everywhere. Nature dies and reblooms. Everything ends. Everything changes.
Relationships, friendships. Seasons change. We move countries. We move to new houses.
It’s only after years of practice that I learnt to find beauty in the ending of things. Because something needs to end to make space for new. Again and again.
And yes we are allowed to grieve the loss of what it was, and we are also allowed to be excited for everything that is to come.
I thought that the opposite of control was chaos and confusion.
But what if it was grace, and abundance ?
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